EvilSimulatorDraft2

(set: $name to (prompt: "What is your name?", "Dark Lord Thunderface")) You are the supreme dictator and overloard (print: $name). Would you like to go to the [[throne room]] of your Sinister Haunted Lava Mansion (from hereonout to be refered to as your SHLM) or would you like to go speak to your evil advisors in the [[board room]] of the SHLM? (if:$name is "Thanos")[(goto: "cheat and shoot the guy")] (set: $impress=0) (set: $flirt=0)

Your throne room is all black, much like your soul. The throne is black and the carpet is black, and you sit upon it in a very black mood when your Chief Goblin Henchman Larry enters the room. "My lord," Larry bows, "I bring you grave news. It is rumored that a handsome white male has gained control of the one amulet that an destroy your superweapon." "[[Remind me what my superweapon is?|supeweapon]]" "[[Fool, you have failed me for the last time!]]" "[[I don't care. I'm going to ignore this problem.]] (set: $larry=false)

You board room is evil in the most corporate sense of the word. Around the black table are your evil advisors, wearing all black hoods because they are truly and completely evil. "My lord," one hisses in a truly sinister way, "have you heard the news? The dashing Prince Handsome has gained control of the Amulet of Vaguely-Defined power--the one item that can stop you!" "[[That's great, but I do not care about your advice and do what I want|don't care]] [[How dreadful! Since I pay you to be my advisors, I should listen to your advice|listen]]" "[[I'm going to ignore this problem entirely.|I don't care. I'm going to ignore this problem.]]" "[[Who am I? What is my weapon? Who are you twits?]]"

"Your superweapon, $name, is the Evil Mega Cannon of Pure Evil, also known as the E.M.C.P.E. With it, you had plans to destroy the world. However, the handsome white male Prince Handsome has obtained the Amulet of Vaguely-Defined Power, with which he will disarm your weapon!" "[[We should kidnap his princess if he has one, as that will certainly fix the situation|kidnap]]" "[[This is grave news. Leave me so that I may brood on my evil backstory for a bit|brood over your evil backstory]]" "[[Let me speak to my Evil Advisors|board room]]"

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With a bolt of furious energy arching from you fingertips, you kill Larry with your vaguely-defined dark power. With the benefit of hindsight, it may not have counted as a failure, as Larry had proven in the past that he has very little control over which handsome white males are born in your kingdom. However, if you go too long without killing an underling, you won't be able to be at your most villainous, and that simply won't do. Now, you must act on this information. Would you like to [[speak with you evil advisors?|board room]] or would you like to [[brood over your evil backstory]] on your all-black throne? (set: $larry=true)

With Larry gone, you brood over your evil backstory. It all started when you were a child. Then some evil things happened. The pain is too great to think of further. [[Meet with your evil advisors|board room]] [[Ease your pain by abducting a princess|kidnap]]

You lay out an-overly complicated plan to abduct the princess of the land, consisting of a giant cake and a hoard of angry turtles. Due to this surpluss of thought, the Mutant General of your evil forces executes the plan with precision so sinsiter it gives you evilbumps. The princess is then brought before you, glaring at you with her stereotypically attractive face. "What do you want with me, foul villain?" she asks. "[[I'm going to marry you|marry]]" "[[I'm going to kill you|kill]]"

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"You are $name, and your weapon is the Evil Mega Cannon of Pure Evil, also known as the E.M.C.P.E. With it, you had plans to destroy the world. However, the handsome white male Prince Handsome has obtained the Amulet of Vaguely-Defined Power, with which he will disarm your weapon... ...and we are your advisors, as if you care." "[[Well then what do you advise? Since I pay you to be advisors, I shall recieve your advice|listen]]" "[[Very good I'll do what I want now.|don't care]]"

"This does not surprise us," your advisors state, "what ill-informed decision will you make then?" "[[I shall send out my legions and attack the hero on the road|attack]]" "[[I shall kidnap the princess|kidnap]]"

"You do not pay us, $name." That is right. You forgot how evil you were and are. "But," they continue, "we would strongly advise you to not kidnap the princess of the land. Rather, we would recomend you send your somewhat facsist-looking hoards to engage the hero and bring him here." "[[I like your crappy advice, and thus claim it as my own|attack]]" "[[I'll kidnap the princess if I want to, nerds|kidnap]]"

You stand before your evil, somewhat-fascist hoards, each one wearing a menacing, vision-restricting helmet that anyone could steal to disguise themselves. (if: $flirt is 1)[Lady Bloodtooth stands by your side.] "My friends," you lie, since you hate them all, "I gather you all to go and attack the hero on the road instead of luring him here, as that would be dumb. I have come up with this plan on my own, without help of my evil advisors at all." "Lord $name," your mutant general sneers, "is this mission a [[stealth mission]] where we take them alive, or is this a mission where we [[kill them all?]]"

"Take them alive as a token of my irrevocable strength," you snear. "What's the worst that could possibly concievably happen?" Your general makes a sweeping motion and your somewhat-fascist hoards ride to abduct the hero. (if: $flirt is 1)[You look at Lady Bloodtooth.] "[[I have the utmost confidence in them|nextI]]" "[[There is no way this is going to work|nextII]]"

You quickly realize that sending a hideous mutant on a stealth mission may be counterintuitive. You do not want to hurt his feelings, however, and so you tell him "Your pathetic troops are weak and flimsy. Show me your strength and kill them all." With feelings thus unharmed, your general makes a sweeping motion and your somewhat-fascist hoards ride to war. "[[I have the utmost confidence in them|nextIII]]" "[[There is no way this is going to work|nextIV]]"

You spend many days, lounging on your dark throne all alone. (if: $larry is true)[And what's left of Larry. His corpse helps you question life.] Then, the day comes when your men arrive back at the SHLM. "$name," your mutant general hisses, "we have kidnapped Prince Handsome. Shall we [[bring him before you]] or [[place him in the dungeon?]] (if: $larry is true)[(set: $goodending=true)] (set: $confidence=1)

You spend many days, lounging on your dark throne all alone. (if: $larry is true)[And what's left of Larry. His corpse helps you question life.] Then, the day comes when your men arrive back at the SHLM. "$name," your mutant general hisses, "we have kidnapped Prince Handsome. Shall we [[bring him before you]] or [[place him in the dungeon?]] You shouldn't have doubted the hoards after all. (if: $larry is true)[(set: $goodending=true)] (set: $confidence=0)

You spend many days, lounging on your dark throne all alone. (if: $larry is true)[And what's left of Larry. His corpse helps you question life.] Then, the day comes when your Mutant General returns. "$name," your mutant general hisses, "the prince has bested our forces. I alone escaped. Should we [[wait for the hero to arrive]] or should we [[use your death ray now?|Like heck I won't!]] (if: $larry is true)[(set: $goodending=true)] (set: $confidence=1)

You spend many days, lounging on your dark throne all alone. (if: $larry is true)[And what's left of Larry. His corpse helps you question life.] Then, the day comes when your Mutant General returns, and it seems you were right to doubt him. "$name," your mutant general hisses, "the prince has bested our forces. I alone escaped. Should we [[wait for the hero to arrive]] or should we [[use your death ray now?|Like heck I won't!]] (if: $larry is true)[(set:$goodending=true)] (set: $confidence=0)

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You bring the handsome Prince Handsome before your all black throne. "Ha, ha, villain!" boasts the hero, stroking his abs and petting his faithful pet octopus. "You shall soon be vanquished by my awesome goodness." "[[You are in handcuffs what can you do nothing to me, knave]]" "[[I'm going to shoot you now]]" (if:$larry is "false")[[[I wish Larry wasn't dead]]]

You are not an idiot, so you leave the hero in the dungeon, instead of mocking him to his face or abducting his princess or something. Now, you have no further business to attend to, you can pull the lever for your [[death ray|Like heck I won't!]] or you can just [[give up on the whole thing|I actually will be good, now that I have the opportunity.]] (if: $flirt is 1)[" [[Impressed, my lady?]] "] (if: $impress is 1)[" [[I shall return to Lady Bloodtooth as I'm sure I've impressed her.]] "]

You wait for the hero to arrive, and when he does, your men ambush him and seize him, in a very evil manner. You bring the handsome Prince Handsome before your all black throne. "Ha, ha, villain!" boasts the hero, stroking his abs and petting his faithful pet octopus. "You shall soon be vanquished by my awesome goodness." "[[You are in handcuffs what can you do nothing to me, knave]]" "[[I'm going to shoot you now]]" "[[This is stupid. You're right!]]"

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"Ha ha," he flashes his perfect smile, "that is where you are wrong, for I have an animal sidekick." Your eyes widen. He is right. The nemesis to all evil schemes. The octopus picks the locks to the hero's handcuffs (in a delicate process I just can't describe right now) The hero draws his sword and lunges towards you. Being a cheater, do you [[shoot the guy|right out of the gate.]] or do you [[duel him fairly|only if you have no other option]]

You shoot the hero and he dies. Considering that your other plans all consisted of elaborate weddings, executions and sword duels, it's actually quite odd that this simple solution never occured to you. Now, you have no further business to attend to, you can pull the lever for your [[death ray|Like heck I won't!]] or you can just [[give up on the whole thing|I actually will be good, now that I have the opportunity.]] (if: $flirt is 1)[ [[Lady Bloodtooth is impressed|Impressed, my lady?]] ]"

"What?" asks the hero. "Yes!" you exclaim. "I mean, normally, when someone has tons of money, he gets friends and happiness and stuff! But all I have is a vague backstory and a Mutant. Why don't I have those things!?" "Well," the hero says, stroking his abs, "honestly this is surprising to me. If you want, I can still [[fight you|Oh I will not, fool, until I've bested you in single combat!]] or you can just [[give up on this whole thing|I actually will be good, now that I have the opportunity.]]

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"Marry me?!" she asks in her blandly feminine voice. "But why?" (if: $flirt is 1)[Lady Bloodtooth doesn't seem happy.] You are evil, and so you did not think you needed a reason. What worse thing could you possibly do to someone than marry them!? "My lord," your Mutant General hisses, "what is your bidding in this matter?" "[[We shall wed in a lavish ceremony at the full moon, because nobody would seek to interupt my plans during that time.]]" "[[Just marry us right now, I'm not picky.]]"

"Kill me!? But why" (if: $flirt is 1)[Lady Bloodtooth looks very impressed.] Because you're evil, of course. You feel as though you shouldn't need to explain this? There's lava everywhere. "My lord," your Mutant General hisses, "do you want to [[shoot]] the princess right now, or [[execute her]] in a complicated public ritual on the third blood moon of the month?"

On the night of the aforementioned moon, the wedding is held in your Death Ray room, since you are incredibly evil. The ceremony was actually really nice, and the cake looks good and tastes good, which is not normal. Suddenly, however, before the 'I do's, Prince Handsome busts into the room with sword drawn. "Unhand her villain!" "[[Ha ha. I shall use the deathray on you, knave!|Like heck I won't!]]" "[[Too late, I will marry the princess and there's nothing you can do about it|I should probably actually kiss you]]"

"Okey doke," hisses your mutant general, "I pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride." "Ha ha!" you smile. "How sinister of me!" The room is quiet for a moment. (if: $flirt is 1)[Lady Bloodtooth is fuming.] "[[READY THE DEATH RAY]]" "[[I should probably actually kiss you]]" (if: $flirt is 1)[ [[So, um... Lady Bloodtooth... I stil like you and all, but evil comes first.]] ]"

You thunder into the room housing the aforementioned Evil Mega Cannon of Pure Evil, black cape swishing behind you as you go up the metalic steps. You place your hand on the lever and ready to pull. At last, the world will grovel at your evil feet! Suddenly, the door bursts open and the hero rushes in. "$name," he roars, running his fingers up and down his abs because he just can't help himself, "you need to stop! I know you've endured trauma and all that, but this isn't the real you! Don't pull the lever!" "[[Oh I will not, fool, until I've bested you in single combat!]]" "[[Like heck I won't!]]"

You kiss the princess, and as odd as it sounds, the death ray suddenly doesn't seem so important anymore, so you put that into a temporary hiatus. You show her around the SHLM, and she's actually quite impressed with your home, and even laughs at a few of your jokes. In time, you forget all about Prince Handsome and your plans to destroy the world, and live happilly ever after with your new stereotypical bride. THE END So that's it: evil conquerred by love. A little sappy I'll admit, but *believe me*, you turn out much better in this ending than in the other five... [[Play again?|Untitled Passage]]

You drop down and draw your sword, and Prince Handsome drew his. Of course, since you are a villain, you have all intents on cheating, but do you plan on cheating [[only if you have no other option]] or would you like to just cheat [[right out of the gate.]]

With a sufficiently maniacal laugh, you hit the switch, and all goes black. Then you destroy the whole world. Including yourself. You wonder if maybe there was a reason that good is supposed to win. THE END This is as bad as any of the endings get. See what you can end up with in this ending than in the other five... [[Play again?|Untitled Passage]]

You circle each other several times before lashing out towards each other in brutal sword combat. However, you quickly realize that the hero is better at sword combat than you are, simply because he is the hero and therefore is destined to win. Do you [[cheat and shoot the guy|right out of the gate.]] or [[fight to an honorable end.]]

You pull a pistol out of your pants and shoot him in the head. You walk up to the body and shoot him in the head again, just because you hear of heroes faking their death in the third act a lot of times. Now, nothing can stop you from pulling your lever and [[anihilating the world|Like heck I won't!]]

Oh yeah. You're much more of a Thanos. THE END This is the weird ending... just *had* to have one. [[Play again?|Untitled Passage]]

The hero with an over-dramatic spin kicks you back and you land on your back. You reach for your sword, but he stomps on your hand heroicly, glaring down at you. "I'm the hero," he states, "and I have abs. As a result, I will let you live. I am the hero, remember?" "[[Thank you I will change my ways forever and ever]]" "[[I love being bad, I'll just blow you up later]]"

"Oh wow," the hero gullibly replies, "that's actually really cool." Prince Handsome leaves, with his abs in tow. "[[Heroes are so gullible. I'll pull the lever now|Like heck I won't!]]" "[[I actually will be good, now that I have the opportunity.]]"

"Nevermind," he says. He stabs you and you die. THE END This is the worst ending. [[Play again?|Untitled Passage]]

You give up on the whole thing. You sell the SHLM, which is converted into a power plant, and makes you a millionaire. You then buy a yacht, like a normal person, fall in love, and have three kids. And you're happy. That's not in any other ending. THE END This is the good ending. [[Play again?|Untitled Passage]]

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You whip out your pistol and shoot the princess. That felt very evil. With the benefit of hindsight, however, you realize that kidnapping someone just to kill them takes some of your choices in terms of evil plans away. "[[READY THE DEATH RAY]]" "[[STILL READY THE DEATH RAY (you're out of options)|READY THE DEATH RAY]]" "(if: $flirt is 1)[ [[Impressed, my lady?]] ]" "(if: $impress is 1)[ [[I shall return to Lady Bloodtooth as I'm sure I've impressed her.]] ]"

The time comes for the execution of the princess, and you hold it in your death ray room, inviting only a few select citizens (including your parents. They are very proud.) Suddenly, just before your evil henchman swings his axe to take her head, the hero bursts into the room and stabs the henchman. "Unhand her villain!" "[[Ha ha. I shall use the deathray on you, knave!|Like heck I won't!]]" "[[Too late, I will kill the princess myself|kill her yourself]]"

You swing for the princess, but the hero engages swords with you to fight you in heroic and tactically unfeasible combat. Being a villain, it would be wise to consider cheating. Should you [[shoot him|right out of the gate.]] or [[try to beat him the old fashioned way first|only if you have no other option]]

You wish Larry wasn't dead. Play the game without killing Larry. Jerk. THE END This is the meta ending. [[Play again?|Untitled Passage]]

"Understood, master, Would you prefer to direct your attention to [[operation menace]] or [[operation death-blackness]]

Comencement immediately begins on operation menace. You get the hedge-cutters and begin to trim the dead hedges outside your fortress. The plan is simple: if the SHLM is too unkempt, it will look more abandoned and less haunted, which is not the effect you want to convey to your mortal opponents. As you go about cutting at the hedges in a truly evil manner, you begin to think about your sinister lifestyle. A part of you feels it would be best to simply [[head inside|brood over your evil backstory]] and brood over your oh-so evil backstory. You remember that the other overlords were slated to play poker this evening, and you think it may be best to simply [[join up with them|operation death-blackness]]. Additionally, you question if maybe you should [[address the problem of Prince Handsome]]. So much evil, so very little time.

Operation Death-Blackness begins when you arrive at the undersea lair of Dr. Blademoon, where you and the other local overlords are scheduled to begin your game of evil poker. The game is much like normal poker, but with more evil. "How is your day, $name?" asks Dr. Blademoon. "[[Great, actually.]]" "[[Horrendous.]]"

You think a little of the problem. On the one hand, [[you could strike for him directly.|attack]] On the other hand, you could [[attempt to kidnap the man's princess|kidnap]] and tick the hero off. That would fix something.

"Oh dear," Dr. Blademoon exclaims. "What's right? Are you unwell?" "I heard that a Prince is on his tail," says Lady Bloodtooth, looking fondly at Dr. Blademoon. Did Dr. Blademoon get a new cape? This one has a dracula collar. Does Lady Bloodtooth like dracula collars? "[[Did you notice my cape, Lady Bloodtooth?]]" "[[The prince is of little concern to me.|The prince is of now concern to me.]]"

"I'm glad to hear you're still doing badly," Dr. Blademoon smiles, "despite the Prince Handsome problem." "I heard that the Amulet of Vaguely-Defined power that the prince has gotten ahold of is vaguely-defined in his favor," says Lady Bloodtooth, looking fondly at Dr. Blademoon. Did Dr. Blademoon get a new cape? This one has a dracula collar. Does Lady Bloodtooth like dracula collars? "[[Did you notice my cape, Lady Bloodtooth?]]" "[[The prince is of no conern.|The prince is of now concern to me.]]"

"Oh I did," she smiles, "It's very bad, in the best possible way." You frown. That didn't seem very authentic. You feel the need to up your flirt game. "[[Did I have a chance to tell you you have menacing eyes?]]" "[[The thing about having a Prince after me, is that it means if I beat him I'm more powerful than Dr. Blademoon.]]"

"Tell me," says Lady Bloodtooth, "how is someone trying to murder not a dangerous thing?" "[[Because killing a prine is very impressive. It makes me even more powerful than Dr. Blademoon.|The thing about having a Prince after me, is that it means if I beat him I'm more powerful than Dr. Blademoon.]]" "[[Lets change the topic. Did I have a chance to tell you you have menacing eyes?|Did I have a chance to tell you you have menacing eyes?]]"

"Oh," she exclaims, fairly surprised. "Thank you. I really do like your cape, you know." "[[You should come over to my SHLM. We could kidnap a princess.]]" "[[Would you like to come to my SHLM and kill a prince?]]" (set: $flirt=1)

"Oh," she exclaims, fairly surprised. "That would be very impressive... if you could manage it." "[[I could even kidnap the princess.|You should come over to my SHLM. We could kidnap a princess.]]" "[[Oh I will kill him.|Would you like to come to my SHLM and kill a prince?]]" (set: $impress=1)

"My, $name," she grinned sinisterly, "I never knew you to be such a flirt. [[Let's go|kidnap]] "

"My, $name," she grinned sinisterly, "I never knew you to be such a flirt. [[Let's go|attack]] "

"Indeed it does," she smiles. She stabs you with her sword and you die. Women. THE END This could have gone differently. [[Play again?|Untitled Passage]]

"I'm very impressed," she grins. The two of you get married and live happyilly ever after. Until one of you betrays and kills the other. THE END This is one of your better endings.

You return to Dr. Blademoon's fortress, only to find that Lady Bloodtooth is now married to the good doctor. Do you... [[Just give up on evil|I actually will be good, now that I have the opportunity.]] [[Go home and use your death ray|Like heck I won't!]]

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